1997 COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT

• Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

• AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

• MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

• Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

• Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

• Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

• Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

• Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

• Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.